there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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