So drunk its hurt
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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