If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
