Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
