Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
