I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Help. Why am I so naked?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
