I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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