You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
