Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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