so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
