I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
he just fucked me for my cheese..
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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