don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
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