I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize