I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
