I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
