Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
