bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
