I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
My ATM looks so different sober.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
