I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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