So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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