Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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