On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Randomize
