I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
