Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
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