im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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