I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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