watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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