This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
