I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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