good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
