it's too hot outside to masturbate.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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