i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Randomize