1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
