@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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