There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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