Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
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