A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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