i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
