I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
