I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Where are you guys?
Drunk
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
