you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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