I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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