I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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