so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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