My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
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