Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
