You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
