Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize