I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
