Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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