Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
