I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i just sent this text using only my big toe
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
