he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
