she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
