I am in a vortex of obligation.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
