apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
