My cat gives me a boner
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
