Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
