she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
