so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
