Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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