i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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