i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
