new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
