She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
