mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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