I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
