Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
