Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
